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LOS ANGELES,
September 29,
2009: In
section one
of
this articles we
covered the
first three
attributes of
human behavior
known as the
enlightened
behaviors:
Humanities,
Sexuality &
Humor. These
are the
behaviors that
promote success
in life.
In this portion,
we discuss the
three attributes
that rob you of
success and
happiness if
they become your
primary
characteristic.
These are the
attributes of
the Dark Side:
Power/Paranoia,
Danger/Anger,
Vulnerable/Victim.
In all three the underlying theme
is power.
POWER: The
Double Edged
Sword
Power comes with
paranoia and the
older you get
the more your
humanity wanes
and power takes
its place. The
problem is with
power, you're
always trying to
hang on to it or
to achieve
more. You
become
increasingly
paranoid,
looking behind
you. Once on
top, you're
always afraid of
being knocked
off so most
people will do
some pretty
nasty things to
stay in power.
You’ll lie,
cheat, steal,
hoard…there is a
reason they call
them the seven
deadly sins. Not
only do they
kill you in the
end, they
destroy you
mentally,
morally and as
human being.
If you ever
doubt this,
simply look at
most
politicians.
Before they have
power they
strive to serve
the people. To
get that power
they must
placate and
align with those
whose interests
are
self-serving.
Once they get
the power, they
often use it
against the very
people they
entered politics
to protect and
the fear of
losing that
power prevents
them from making
a stand. That’s
why special
interests and
lobbies
determine our
laws and
policies despite
the fact we’re a
representative
republic. It’s
why lobbyists
and the powerful
can meet with
representatives
and the people
the represent
rarely receive a
returned phone
call unless it’s
election season.
With power, the
more you
accumulate the
more paranoid
you become of
losing it. Same
with wealth and
possessions.
Eventually the
most powerful
come full circle
and return to
the humanities
in late life;
Bill Gates is an
excellent
example of this,
though he’s
hardly late in
life.
Of course if you
understand how
to use power
effectively, it
doesn't have to
be a negative.
It can be used
power for good.
Witness Martin
Luther King,
Gandhi and
people like
Arainna
Huffington and
Amy Goodman. Of
course you’ll
notice in all
these cases
you’re back to
humanities. In
other instances
power can be
used to protect
you from others
seeking to
exploit you or
put you into the
driver’s seat in
negotiations.
As a job seeker,
you need that
power. Let’s
address how to
communicate that
with your body
language and
speech.
A typical power
stance is the
'Superman'
pose. Legs
apart, squared
shoulders, chest
out, leaning
forward with
your weight on
your thighs and
the balls of
your feet
sitting or the
same posture
straight,
standing. The
idea is to take
up as much space
as you possible
can. The
subconscious
message is
“you’ve got to
deal with me.
I’m not letting
you go around,
over or under
me.” It’s almost
like you’re
ready to
pounce. Watch
the hands.
Pointing and
fists are
threatening.
You don’t want
to come across
as a threat,
just strong and
powerful. Rather
use an open hand
to motion and
make gestures.
Standing or
sitting too
close is another
mistake people
make, especially
if your
upbringing is
from another
part of the
world. In the
United States we
all have an
invisible three
foot comfort
zone around us.
Cross this
invisible
barrier in
negotiations and
it’s perceived
as either a
threat or too
intimate. Both
of these
perceptions will
diminish your
effectiveness.
Use eye contact,
but don’t
stare. You may
need to practice
this. Eye
contact is a
sign of strength
as long as it’s
broken
periodically.
Staring is
intimidation.
For a woman
sitting, you’ll
want to uncross
your legs,
(crossed legs
are a flirting
stance because
they put your
body at an
angle). Keep
your knees
together if they
aren’t under the
table and square
up with the
weight on your
thighs and the
balls of your
feet.
When You Want to
Use Power
Power can also
be demonstrated
by putting your
hand up in a
stop motion,
standing up and
squaring up.
This body
language is
especially
useful for women
in interpersonal
or sexual
relationships
when she wants
to slow things
down or tell the
man he’s going
to fast.
When you’re in a
negotiation, how
do you know who
has the power?
It’s the person
asking the
questions,
asking for
options but who
never offers
any. It’s quite
a coupe. The
person in power
delegates a
number of
options to the
person not in
power to
accomplish to
move to the next
level, but
offers nothing
in return. The
person not in
power spins his
wheels and gets
to work, a lot.
The person in
power moves on
to what he or
she wants to do
next. How do you
get the power?
You counter with
options and
don’t agree to
anything unless
you both have to
make an effort
and give
something.
Another action
you can take to
increase your
effectiveness in
negotiations is
a salesperson’s
trick. If the
person you are
dealing with is
right brained,
that is they
tend to be more
creative, stand
or sit slightly
to their right.
If left brain,
more analytical,
stand or sit
slightly to
their left. How
can you tell if
you don’t know
the person? Ask
them a question
and see which
what their head
turns. If to
the right,
they’re most
likely right
brained. To the
left, left
brained. Once
you know this,
you can use
points to make
your case that
fit that
person’s comfort
zone. If
left-brained he
or she will be
more interested
in absolutes,
statistics and
quantifiable
information. If
right-brained,
he or she will
be more
impressed by
your ideas,
thought
processes and
originality.
Take the
Left/Right Brain
Quiz Here
How does this
work? When I
sold advertising
I always sat to
the right of the
person I was
selling and
tilted my chair
toward him
because I wanted
him to be
thinking with
his creative
centers, not
logical.
Advertising is a
conceptual
sell. You’re
selling an idea,
image and hope.
Logic tends to
mess that up.
When I sold
software and
telecommunications,
the people I was
selling to were
usually left
brain. I didn’t
walk in with a
lot of
concepts.
Rather I came in
with facts and
figures and
always sat to
the left,
angling my chair
toward him. The
chair angling
was deliberate
and often I’d
pull a chair to
the corner or
side of the desk
to create a more
intimate
atmosphere. In
sales people buy
from you because
you have
something they
need or want but
they continue to
buy from you
because they
like you. The
same principle
works during a
job interview or
negotiation.
Whenever
possible sit at
90 degree angles
rather than the
interviewer
behind the desk
and you in
front. At a
ninety degree
angle, you’re
more equal and
the conversation
more familiar,
like you are
talking to
someone you
already know.
However, if you
are in a
situation with
desk and chair,
like an
interrogation,
sit slightly to
one side or the
other. Squared
on with the desk
between you, the
person behind
the desk has all
the power.
You’re just a
visitor.
Power can be a
positive in
negotiations
when it is used
to create a
win-win
situation. It’s
also effective
when you’re in a
dangerous
including the
treat of
assault,
confronting
someone you know
is lying or
maintaining
control in a
chaotic
situation.
5)
Danger/anger—this
represents the
fifth attribute
of human
behavior. The
most common
trait of danger
is anger.
There are two
types of
danger.
A) You are in a
dangerous
situation,
whether real or
imagined. Real
would be a gun
pointed to your
head. Imagined
would be the
fear you feel
when a Daddy
Longlegs crawls
into your
shower.
B) When you are
the executer of
danger, such as
the person who
is expressing
anger.
The external
behavior
signaling danger
and anger are
universal. The
first thing
you'll do is
hold your
breath. If you
want to minimize
the fear, slow
down and start
breathing. Of
course if
someone is
chasing you,
start breathing
really hard so
you can get out
of there! In
most cases
though, anger is
a response to a
non-life or
death
situation. You
perceive a
threat to
something you
value whether
it’s your
position,
self-esteem,
property,
anything.
If you
understand these
behaviors, you
can control your
anger. Everyone
does the same
thing. This is
what they do.
First they hold
their breath.
The angrier they
are, the more
their voice
contracts,
cutting off the
oxygen to their
brain. This is
what causes the
blood vessels to
pop, nostrils
flair, and face
turn read. Your
arms and legs
contract, coming
closer to the
body almost as
if you’re
creating an
imaginary shell
around you. If
you strike out
in anger, one
limb may leave
the body but the
rest remain
tight, crouched
and protected.
Actions are
sharp and fast.
Your entire body
enters a fight
or flight
mentality. |
